most people would look at me and think that I’m okay, just a normal college student, but you’d be wrong.
There is a lot more to me than most people believe. I hide behind laughter and humor to protect myself from getting hurt, but things still hurt me. I don’t deal with loneliness very well and I don’t like the idea of being forgotten so easily. I have a fear of never being good enough.
I’m just as human as everyone else, but sometimes it feels like I’m treated like less of a person. It feels like I’m invisible, like no one really sees me; no one takes me seriously.
And most of the time, I can deal with it. I can push the hurt back and go on with my life. I can cope with being the invisible girl. But there are times when it all gets the best of me. It feels like I’m drowning and no one even notices. I know people are generally blind, so self absorbed that they don’t see others. But it always takes a mental breakdown for anyone to notice, and half the time, they don’t even notice then.
Last night I did something I never thought that I would do. I could have really hurt myself. And the only reason why I did it was to try to feel something besides numbness, to try to make people worry about me. And they did worry about me…once I was drunk out of my mind and so far gone that I don’t even remember anything. Then I wake up this morning with a killer headache and realize it didn’t do any good. People still don’t take me seriously.
I get so tired of making excuses for other people. And it’s just as tiring trying to express feelings without offending someone. I can say things like “sorry I was so emotional”…”it was my fault; I made things seem worse than what they really are”…”you didn’t know because I didn’t say that something was wrong.”
Well you know what? I’m sick of making those excuses for you. I AM HUMAN AND I HAVE A RIGHT TO HAVE FEELINGS SO DON’T YOU DARE MAKE ME FEEL BAD FOR HAVING THEM! Obviously, something is bothering me, so take notice. When I’m not acting like myself, take notice. When I say that I’m depressed or lonely, take notice. When I say that I need someone to talk to, take notice. Don’t let me belittle my own problems! Because I will belittle my own problems out of fear of being a burden to other people. And when I say that I’ve done something to potentially harm myself, take fucking notice, because I AM NOT OK!!
If something causes me to breakdown, and you know that I’m breaking down, how dare you allow me to take the blame! How dare you let me say that my feelings are not valid, and how dare you act like my feelings aren’t valid! Even if I am blowing things out of proportion, it would benefit us both if you tried, even for a little bit, to just take notice and put yourself in my place. Try to think about how I’m feeling; think about why I’m acting the way I am. How dare you not even bother figuring out what’s causing me to be in pain! I would do you this courtesy any given day. I’m the kind of person who tries to take notice, who tries to actively care, who tries to find the source of the problem. In medicine, we look for the root, the cause, of what is causing illness. I have yet to meet someone who digs deeper to understand what is actually hurting me.
Maybe I just expect too much from people. Well I won’t be making that mistake again. And I won’t be making excuses when people fail to see what’s right in front of them.